to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
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You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?