I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
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In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.