Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
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How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
A person on the check out saw my son holding a dinosaur toy & tried to play with him saying “ahh will it eat me!?” & he just looked at her, with the straightest, most confused face ever, and said “no, it’s a herbivore” 😂 #Autism
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
definitely did not do anything wrong
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?