me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
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Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)