Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
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Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah