Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
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If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
my astrological sign is a french fry
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
Ape together strong
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
why does this building look like a guilty dog
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.