“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
You Might Also Like
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
#merica
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?