Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
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if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
ibopfufen
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault