Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
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The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
For when Tinder doesn’t work
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.