[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
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I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
I want to meet the individual who made this
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
Brb my Sims are getting married
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing