[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
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I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
sleeping beauty
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
when you are just born a rebel