Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
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asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
Baking is just science you can eat.
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.