Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
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My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
Basically.
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
only 11 steps left
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”