Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
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Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
good morning
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.