I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
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I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
me when I see my crush
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
Raisins are grape jerky.
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣