my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
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why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
a public service announcement
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective