If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
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WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
For those that worship cheese..
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
So inspired right now.
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me