[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
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My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.