Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
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Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
Never forget.
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.