MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
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*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say