Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
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I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.