nasa: there will be a huge solar storm tonight
vampires: what the hell
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My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
channeling her this year
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!