[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
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i need a six-month vacation twice a year
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
Canadian owl: Eh?
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?