My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
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It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
Good morning, Twitter 😊
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine