Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
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People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I鈥檓 about to turn?
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
good morning
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you鈥檙e not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to cr猫me br没l茅e baba ganoush with caramel’.
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
It鈥檚 bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we鈥檒l stay alive.
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
There鈥檚 no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave 鈥榚m like we have a great deal of concern.
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 馃き
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?