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Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.