Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
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doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
the Monday after daylight savings
I unironically love this joke.
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
Best table by far
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet