What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
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My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
yea so i messed up lol
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
Comparing yourself to others
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”