My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
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I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.