I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
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me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
*checks Timeline*…