cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
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I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy