Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
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If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
Banking tips
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
*cough*
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me