FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
You Might Also Like
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.