Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
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Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆