I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
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My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.