As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
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According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
Boom, boom, ching!