I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
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[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
Damn he played himself
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…