When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
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Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”