[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
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“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.