So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
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*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
figuring out my emotional availability:
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
I don’t make the rules sorry
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.