idk flipping houses looks really hard
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There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.