Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
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Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
me hitting on a model
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.