Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
You Might Also Like
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.