He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
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Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.