Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
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Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you