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I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
Woke up against my better judgement again
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
getting corrected
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans