alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo ๐๐๐
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
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Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
Worst Native American name ever.
Cashiers are always checking me out
Hey Fugeddaboutit
My babyโs daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
if you shouldnโt go food shopping when youโre hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when youโre naked. trust me on this.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
โTo keep their nuts dry.โ
HAHAHAHA!
(Please donโt leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: itโs literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: itโs perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or sheโs already given them our social security numbers
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVendโข, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.