My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
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Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
“i am a sweet baby”
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack