Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
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[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone鈥檚 neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
pet rent is the stupidest concept i鈥檝e ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
EMOTICON GUIDE
馃檪 I’m happy
馃槈 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
馃檨 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That鈥檚 gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it