“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
You Might Also Like
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.